Today my heart is so heavy knowing that my Papa wont be with us much longer. He is an amazing man who has beat the odds for years. Hes just tired and while I get that, I very selfishly want him to keep hanging on. 15 years ago he was given 6 months to live due to a tumor on his spine. He beat that!!! And he beat it with a smile. He lost his wife of 56 years (Nanny that Jordann is my token of her) in 2005 and yet he still kept going. He still went to his garage, he still did everything he was physically capable of, and sometimes... even when he knew he shouldn't be doing it, he did it anyways. He always made sure those around him knew he loved them. Last year I got to video chat with him... my 86 year old grandpa was video chatting. It was a great moment. I miss him so much, but that's what happens when your a single mom and live a few states apart. Some of my favorite moments with him are him tell my sister and I while we were arguing "yall can stay, but that noise has to go" or while watching wrestling he told me "its just the same as tom and jerry and I love that cartoon". Now I remember that so much because I have an uncle Jerry and Tom is his dad, so I was pretty confused on how they were a cartoon for the longest time until I realized he was talking about the cat and mouse. Or maybe the times he took us out looking at the cows on his red tractor. Or the time Vikki and I sang an entire John Michael Montgomery song on the way to dinner while sitting in lawn chairs in the back of the van. Or the time my dad was doing some repairs for them and he was hanging a fan in their bedroom. Papa told him not to listen to Nanny and to do it his(Papas) way. So My dad told him "ill do it my way and make her think i did it her way, you just keep her out of here" and my papa giggled and said "that's why i like you so much" While I've not spent an overwhelming amount of time with him, those moments together clearly stuck in my head.
But today I rejoice because my dear friend Lauren gave birth to a healthy baby girl at only 31 weeks. They are both doing great but they do have a long road in front of them.
The circle of life is a crazy reality.
Many of you don't know that death scares the hell out of me. I hate knowing that some people suffer before they pass. I hate knowing many people pass without anyone with them. I hate that I know at some point I will pass and that my children will be broken, and that some day I will bury my parents and imagining living without my daddy is just something that seems completely unbearable to me. The thought of causing my children that much pain just makes me feel guilty. Its crazy stupid that death is such an issue to me.
ok well im going to go love on the people I have here with me today. Sam and Gabe are with their mom, Ciandra and Quintin are at space camp, so I guess Ill go cuddle Scott for a minute then take Meah and Jordann to the waterpark.
Show the people you love today so that there is no question tomorrow.
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